Is Warhammer Too Small For You? Consider Plastic Bastards.

You have less time for gaming as you become older. I’ve seen a trend among my friends—many of us are trading in our 100-hour gaming marathons for shorter, more focused sessions. The best illustration of this is Citizen Sleeper, a little text-based role-playing game that, in my opinion, sci-fi giant Starfield will find difficult to match. Little games are frequently more impactful and have just as much storytelling potential as big titles that are subject to triple-A bloat and corporate meddling.

This also applies to tabletop games. Though I can’t recall the last time I engaged in a traditional Warhammer combat, I have been playing more brief Space Hulk, Blood Bowl, and Necromunda games lately. I used to love spending whole weekends with my entire collection, fighting 4,000-point Apocalypse wars, but these days I’d much rather spend an hour over a board, have a pint, and then do something different. I still play Warhammer, but I paint for shelves and showcases rather than competitions, I convert individual figurines rather than whole armies, and I play much less frequently.

That’s what drew me in to Grant Howitt’s three-page wargame, Plastic Bastards, written by an industry veteran. Although it is three times longer than his typical role-playing games, it is by no means bloated. He has spent more time on this project since it’s a labor of passion, he wants to encourage innovation, and he wants the game to be as simple as possible.




In a video posted to his Patreon, Howitt calls Plastic Bastards “a narrative miniatures game that happens to be about fighting each other.” He boldly acknowledges that the game is unbalanced and that the rules are more about kitbashing than the figurines.

He states in the Patreon post, “The idea is that you make the models first and then work out what it is they do on the battlefield.” Within the miniatures hobby, there is a subculture known as “kitbashing” that consists of combining two or more kits to create a large, unplanned beastie. It also happens to be my favorite aspect of the hobby; in fact, I brought so many screwed up creations to the board, a la the antagonist from Toy Story, that I was given the nickname Sid at my old, friendly local gaming store. I’ve probably made it, whether it’s an effigy of the Omnissiah borne by pathetic pallbearers or an ogre with robotic legs. It’s a dream come true to be able to design my own rules for these miniatures within the Plastic Bastards framework.

Howitt states in the rules, “You’re telling a story about your guys, not trying to beat each other at chess. Don’t worry about it being balanced.” And that’s where the petty arguments start. Howitt related to Wargamer a playtest in which his rival intended to desecrate his leader’s father’s grave because to a disagreement over money. The game was ruled a tie since Howitt was able to take more goods from the crypt even though the burial was ultimately completely trashed. Although the anecdotes appear trivial, the players’ camaraderie is anything but. You’re playing to tell a really goofy narrative to cool guys that you’ve converted, not to win.



Drawings from a deck of cards are used to determine battle in Plastic Bastards, a wargame with a theme based on the well-known, fishy game Mordheim. The most intricate rules relate to list formation. This is the reason you should build a cool person first; instead of attempting to min-max your way to victory, you can then choose the skills and weaponry that suit the model. A spear-wielding robot? Hateful, heavily armored, and mechanical. An Elegant Spear. Completed. They gave you a terrible pint, so now go steal someone’s family treasures.

Howitt is now working on a project to write 100 one-page role-playing games. His earlier works, including Jason Statham’s Big Vacation and Sexy Battle Wizards, are definitely worth checking out, though I’m not sure if Plastic Bastards’ page count disqualifies it. However, none appear to be as much of a labor of love as Plastic Bastards, as Howitt is attempting to get more players to participate in an entirely distinct aspect of the pastime.

“I sincerely hope that it encourages you to try creating toy soldiers, as it’s a lot of fun to create something with no specific goal in mind. It’s also okay if you decide to use them for a game.”